Approximately about a week ago, I received an envelope with no return address at mail call. I took the missive back to my cell to open it, and found a single piece of paper inside. I first noticed a picture of an attractive woman and some words on the page. My eyes went straight to the picture, and I was thinking, “Well, whoever she is, she is good looking.”. As I continued to look at the photo, some sense of familiarity kept creeping in. It hit me, I know her. I began to scan the page for a familiar name and the words that struck me were,” Obituary, Elizabeth Anne Smothers, and Passed”. I thought is this my Elizabeth? Then I seen her parents names John and Sue. I knew then this was my Elizabeth.
Prior to getting arrested for this case, Elizabeth and I were dating. At one point we even moved in together with her daughter Kelsey. We would eventually break it off almost two weeks before my arrest. Elizabeth (Beth) would even testify at my trial on my behalf. It wasn’t until then that I realized that Beth was under extreme pressure from her parents to break it off with me because I was being investigated for the charges that placed me here. I told Beth everything, and she even went to the police station with me, when I went willingly to speak to the detectives.
Beth was a really great woman. She was an even better Mother. This obituary troubled me. I could not figure out why I had such a difficult time recognizing someone I cared that much about. Some of the lines in her face seemed to have changed, but as I continue to look at the picture, I can see the woman I cared for. Did time really change her so much that I almost did not recognize her? Was it that someone I loved once is now gone? I had hoped to visit with her when I prove my innocence and get out. Not romantically, but as friends. Was it that this chance was taken from me? Why was this impacting me this way. For days, my mind would go back to our time together. I would have moments were I would experience joy, laughter, sorrow, and surrealism all rolled up into one. I have not thought so heavily about my past in quite some time, but this single page sent me back.
As I said, Beth was a really great woman. She clearly loved and protected Kelsey. It has been 25 years, and I do not know what was going on in her life. The following day, while speaking to my Mother, I would learn Beth took her own life. This did not make any sense to me. Beth was a strong, independent woman. She would do anything for Kelsey. What could have caused her to do something like that? I am at a loss.
I doubt very seriously Kelsey, John, nor Sue would ever read my blog. Nevertheless, I would say to them, I am so sorry for your loss. I really wish Beth would have reached out to me. I would have reminded her of what she has, and who she is to many people. I am feeling this loss, and I have not spoken to her in a long time. I can only imagine what they are going through. I am sorry.
To the person who sent me this obituary. I want to thank you for informing me about Beth’s passing. I can not say I much care for your tactics, but at least I know. It is strange to me that I would miss someone this much having not spoken to them in so long.
I am still struggling with the fact I was not able to recognize her immediately. Will I have this problem with all of the others that have decided not to keep in touch with me over the years? Will their passing profoundly effect me as much as Beth’s? Why have I been blocking out my past so much? All I can say is, this still has me rattled. I would hope that those who I cared for all those years ago will contact me, and let me enjoy some time with them before another loss occurs. I am still not sure how I am taking this one. |
Shane: What a thoughtful post. Someone you hadn’t thought about but assumed you would meet again is gone. I had a similar experience of loss when I was informed of the death of an old friend, whom I thought I would contact again one day… At least someone did inform you who knew what Beth meant to you.
Wishing you the best,
Gil
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